One year ago.

I didn’t know myself.

I learn to fake my feelings.

This is not me anymore.

Wow.

It’s been a year since we broke up.

It’s been a year since he left me, ALONE.

It’s been a year since everyone was torn apart.

The memories.

The pain.

The endless crying moment.

My insanity.

And most especially remembering how much I loved him and how he just set me aside.

He is so damned when he left me! Haha.

I was left crying! Crying so hard like there’s no tomorrow.

Almost commit suicide.

See that wound? It's all because of you. But see, I still manage to smile though it hurt a lot.

Pause.

Oh! This was me last year.

Time flies so fast.

Who am I today?

I may say AHBY’s back! She’s really back!

That AHBY who always show her emotion.

That AHBY that know when to stop.

That AHBY who is stronger.

That AHBY who manage everything with a smile.

That AHBY who don’t have a tear in her eyes.

That AHBY who’s loved by everyone and hate by some.

Yes, I'm not totally moved on, but at least, I am stronger than yesterday.

I throw up everything.

I’m just looking forward to my future.

There’s no turning back anymore.

I don’t need to turn back cause I know I will get hurt again, and I don’t want to happen it again.

In other words,

I don’t want him back.

I’ve had enough.

But you know what, I will not be back again without those people who I know are always at my side.

Suporting.

Boosting me up.

Caring.

And most especially, loving me.

I was so thankful for having such a Great God.

I know that in my faith he made me stronger.

He always guide me, no matter what.

I know he is always at my side.

Thank you. I love you.

My family and friends.

You know that I can’t overcome all of this without you.

You served as the “TAGAPUPOK SA AKIN, PARA MATAUHAN NA AKO”.

You made me realized that he is not the right person for me.

You are the one at my side when I was crying like a child.

You never left me, like he did! Hahaha (Bitterness strikes)

6 words, Thank you and I love you.

To him.

Hey you.

You don’t know how much you hurt me.

You shot me a thousand times.

And I’ll be honest I can’t dodge the bullets your shooting at before.

But I just got to bleed a little bit more to heal from it.

Every day I grow stronger. I am more mature than you.

Thank you for making me realized that I should stop chasing you.

And I don’t regret every single thing. J

And now.
See how beautiful I am.
See how a smile without any worry.
See how I was able to cope with everything.
And

You know what I will do?

I will just wait to the ZOREN of my life, who would propose to me like a boss. :D

Life's Notes to Remember

Stay away from ANGER. It hurts.........Only You!

If you are right then there is no need to get angry, and if you are wrong then you don’t have any right to get angry.

Patience with family is love.
Patience with others is respect.
Patience with self is confidence and Patience with GOD is faith.
Never think hard about the PAST, It brings TEARS.

Don’t think more about the FUTURE, It brings FEARS. 

Live this Moment with a Smile, It brings CHEER .
Every test in our life makes us bitter or better.

Every problem comes to make us or break us.

The choice is ours whether we become victims or victorious .
Search for a beautiful heart not a beautiful face.

Beautiful things are not always good but good things are always beautiful.

Do you know why God created gaps between fingers?

So that someone who is special to you comes and fills those gaps by holding your hand  forever.

Never forget this advice.
Happiness keeps you SWEET.

Trials keep you STRONG.

Sorrows keep you HUMAN.

Failures keep you HUMBLE.

Success keeps you GLOWING.

BUT ONLY GOD KEEPS YOU GOING.

:')

Out of my willingness.

On this day of October 18, 2012. I swear that I will not be affected anymore of my past. Past is past. All I need to do is to move on and I’m hoping that one day I could say that “IM TOTALLY OVER HIM”. I don’t know when would be that day, It’s been a month or should I say it’s been a year but seems like it happened yesterday. But this time, I am sick of those dramas about him, this is really the time to move on. I will not do this just for the sake of people around me, but for myself, I need to pick up the pieces where he left me.

I will learn from my experience so that the next time that I will fall in love and become broke, I will be strong enough to go through the grief again. Someday, somehow, I’ll meet the right person for me, that guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make me cry. And I believe and I have faith in that. Soon I’m going to be okay, that I could look directly into his eyes without the love I felt before, the pain because he left me, the anger because he chose someone over me and the look that saying “I DON’T WANT TO HOLD YOU AGAIN”.

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I created this testimonial for myself last October 18,2012 , for me to keep my words.

Last move for the final realization.

:)

Never been post.

Break Up
I’m messed, I’m lonely; Me without him.

So I was left behind. ALONE.

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Before he left, when the two of us were still together, I strongly believe that everything would just fall into their places that everything would flow smoothly; I deeply believe that our love will last. Our love will be forever until we die.

Everything was okay, though every month there are always fights (fights are just a normal thing to us, we got used to it already) Consistent calls, texts, chatting and of course lambingan. I always feel the security from being betrayed. Days, weeks and months had passed, until a day came, October 31, 2011, he’d just forgotten to tell me stories about his day, he was just tired, so many reasons, and alibis, etc. I needed to trust him more than a hundred percent and a patience that is wide as the ocean. I did it all though I know it’s not sane to understand a person that suddenly vanished. Confusions came along. I started thinking, started asking myself with ‘Why is this happening to us?’, ‘How can you do this to me?’, ‘What have I done wrong?!” worse is, ‘Is there’s something wrong?’ Too many questions. And then I made a decision, I don’t want to talk to him for almost 2 weeks. Eventually, the communication just cut down to zero. I felt so alone, being neglected and unloved. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. Everything seems so useless that it came to a point that you don’t want to live anymore. Though the commitment’s still there, you feel like losing him each day.

Each day I woke up in the morning, I always saw him online; I always wanted to say ‘Hi, Kamusta ka na bhieby? I miss you so much. I love you’. But then, there are feelings of uncertainty, ‘What if he doesn’t respond? What if he rejects me?’ And I have nothing to do.

Until, he finally decided to talk to me, he wanted to fix everything.

Long discussions. Long arguments. He won, I lose.

I cried.

Though everything is fixed, I know in my heart that there are flaws in our relationship. But still I feel the security from being betrayed.

A week passed, another problem came in our path, but this time, no more remedy, we couldn’t fix everything.

I was left.

Crying.

Dying.

ALONE.

No one knows that I almost killed myself but my mother rescued me, she wiped the tears on my face, she was there, when I don’t want to find comfort to other. She listened to me, and gave me advice.

I listened to her, but still I followed my heart.

I didn’t tell everyone what I really feel. I hide everything, as in EVERYTHING.

Friends gave me advice, like what mom had told me.

I listened, but still I chased him.

He rejected me.

I’m messed.

I cried.

Some didn’t know what happened between us. People keep on asking questions.

I was upset.

I was down.


Him? Smiling like nothing happened.

DAMN!!!


A week passed, I was okay! No, denying that I was not really okay.

We saw each other, a gift from him. I thought everything will be okay.

No I was wrong.

But this time, I showed to him that I’m okay, even though my heart is shouting ‘I STILL LOVE YOU! I WANT YOU BACK! DON’T YOU NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE?!’


I lived my life. I accepted the fact that I am alone. He already left me.

I stopped chasing him but still I love him.

I don’t stop loving him. I just hide it.


We still continue to see each other, He waited for me, some knew about it but most of the time they didn’t. I hide it to them. I can’t help myself to neglect him, if he needs help. I’m always there for him, but him? I don’t think so.


Everything is okay except for one: OUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

He still gave me hope.

Stupidity strikes and I saw myself hoping that one day he’ll come back.

I was wrong again and he totally left me, he found another girl.

If he only told me that he doesn’t love me anymore and he’s with someone new, then that’s the time I let him go immediately just after the break up. But since he doesn’t tell me anything I felt betrayed! I was betrayed!

I ran to my friends and one word came out of to their mouth: ‘MOVE ON’.

If they only knew what I’m going through they will understand why I can’t totally move on! It’s so hard to let go of the person you loved unconditionally, that person you talked 24/7 and that person who listened to your problems.

DAMN! It’s hard! It’s really hard.

I hide everything.

I’m okay. I’m fine.

Some say, time heals all the wounds.

Months passed and I saw again the smile that has been lost for how many months because of endless grief I felt.

I may say that I’m okay, but not totally okay. Still there’s something in me that no one knows.

I entertained other guys, I love hanging out with friends.

If he’s the topic, I felt bitterness but still I managed everything.

I’m not affected anymore, until we saw each other again.


HEARTBEAT…..

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Smile.


Damn! That smile, makes me gaga over him, AGAIN! I can’t stop thinking of him. But then again, I just told myself that the next time we will see each other again, I can manage to smile without hesitation and the spark will ne disappear.

And again, I was wrong.

Destiny tests me.

Destiny challenge me.


We saw each other, Again.

Very unexpected. I don’t know how am I going to react.

He smiled.

I smiled.

Everything is awkward.

I am so nervous.

My hands are shaking.

My eyes are about to cry.


One question on my mind: WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?


My heart betrayed me! Myself betrayed me!


I thought I was totally okay, the fact is that I am not totally okay.

I was okay because I don’t get the chance to see him.

And when I saw him, the feelings came back.

Nothing’s change.

For me, he is till the person I loved the most.



I thought I was ready for that kind of unexpected event, but again, I’m wrong.

I am still not ready.

I am still stock from my past.

I still love him.

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I think.

I read.

I reflect on myself.


Do I really torture myself for loving a person who’s in love with someone else?

Do I really want to remain lonely, while he is happy?


I was awaken! After a month or should I say after a year, I was FINALLY awaken.

I will not let myself be stocked forever!


I really want to get over him, I’m sick of my endless drama for the same reason. I know people whom I seek advice are also sick of my drama.


I will do this for myself, not for him or for anyone else.

I don’t know when will be that day, but I know to myself, sooner or later.

I will be fine again. I will be able to rise from stumbling.

I will start picking all the pieces where he left me, and start fixing it.


Someday, I’ll find the guy who will complete me, who is worth the tears. I’ll be waiting for him.


And someday, when we see each other again, I will be able to manage my smile.

I can look directly into his eyes without any hurt feelings.

There will be no pain.

There will be no shaking.

There will be no tears again.



AND



There will be no HEART ACHE anymore.

Letting go doesn't mean you're weak

Minsan kailangan natin palayain ang isa tao hindi dahil sa mahina ka, kailangan mo lang ipakita at iparamdam sa taong yun na kaya mong mabuhay ng wala siya.

Kailangan lang natin ipaintindi sa sarili natin na maraming tao ang nagbibigay importansya at halaga sa’tin. Dadating rin ang tamang oras at panahon na may tamang tao na iibigin natin at iibigin tayo.

Tama nga naman.

Bawat isa sa atin ay may nakalaan na mamahalin tayo ng tunay.
Matuto tayong magpalaya kung alam naman nating di sila deserving para sa atin.
Huwag mong ipakitang mahina ka, kasi pwedeng gamitin yun para lalo kang masaktan.
Kailangan mong imulat ang mata mo sa realidad ng buhay na minsan talaga ikaw ay masasaktan,
Kailangan mong magpakatatag upang malagpasan ito.
Huwag kang susuko kung palagi kang nasasaktan.
Minsan kasi anjan na yung taong mahal ka, di mo lang pinapansin kasi hinahayaan mong maging mahina ka sa taong mahal mo.

Kahit masakit, palayain mo na. Kasi sino bang nahihirapan? Siya ba? Hindi naman di ba?

Ikaw ang nahihirpan.

Ikaw ang naiiwan.

Ikaw ang malungkot.

Ikaw ang mag-isa.

Ikaw ang kawawa.

Eh siya?

Masaya.

In love.

Inspired.

Letting go doesn't mean you're weak; letting go means you're strong enough to face everything without the person who thought you how to be strong.

Once you've let go of the feelings you felt before for him, promise,

You'll be the happiest. ♥

Roller Coaster

Si Justine. Nasa kwarto. Nag iisip. Nagmumuni-muni. Ano nga ba ang nangyari?, iniisip niya. “Bakit? Paano? Kanino?” Tila yata’y di niya matanggap ang eksenang nagaganap.

“Masaya. Malaya. Maluwag sa pakiramdam. Iyun ung nararamdaman ko ngayon.” Bulong ni Alex sa sarili niya. Si Alex. Nasa park. Nakatingin sa langit. Nakangiti.

Saan nga ba nagsimula ang lahat? Magkaibigan. Nagkasundo. Nagkapalagayan ng loob. Nahulog sa isa’t isa. Tapos? Tapos ano? Nahirapan. Nagkasakitan. Naghiwalay.

“Bakit nga ba umabot sa ganito? Hindi ba dapat e Masaya tayo? Gusto kong sumigaw, gusto kitang sampalin, sumabatan, lahat. Ano bang pagkukulang ko? Bakit hindi ka naging Masaya?” sambit ni Justine sa kwarto niya habang nakatingin sa letrato ni Alex.

“Malaya na ako sa wakas. Alam ko nakasakit ako, pero mas masasakta ko siya kung ipagpapatuloy ko ang lahat. Hindi din birong gawin ang desisyon na ito, kasi alam kong madaming magagalit sa akin. Pero hindi na ako masaya at kelanman di ako naging masaya. Mahal ko naman siya ee, pero di sapat iyon. Nung una akala ko matututunan kong maging masaya sa mga ginagawa niya para sa relasyon naming. Pero mali ako, di matututunan ang isang bagay na di mo naman talaga nararamdaman ee. Siya nga ba ang nagkulang o sadyang di lang talaga ako masaya.” Sambit ni Alex sa sarili niya habang naglalakad sa ilalim ng mga bituin.

“Saan ako nagkamali? Anong pagkukulang ko? Bakit hindi naging sapat lahat? Bakit kailangang maging ganito ang pagtatapos ng kwento?” paulit ulit na salita ni Justine sa sarili niya habang umiiyak sa kanyang kwarto.

Saan nga ba nagsimula ang lahat? Nagkakilala. Nagkapalagayan ng loob. Naging close. Nagkagustuhan. Nagmahalan. Tapos? Tapos nagkasakitan. Saan hahantong ang lahat? Dapat nga bang magalit ka sa kanya kasi nasaktan ka niya? Kasi iniwanan ka niya? Paano nga ba bumangon mula sa pagkakadapa? Paano umahon mula sa pagkakalaglag? Saan magsisimula? Kelan? Paano.. Paano..

“Wala namang pagkukulang si Justine ee, sobra sobra nga pa nga siya para sa akin ee, pero hindi kasi ganun kadali ang lahat. Parang napaka unfair kong tao kung hahayaan ko siyang ibigay ang lahat lahat niya sa akin, habang ako wala halos maibigay sa kanya. Nasa kanya na lahat. Maganda. Mabait. Maalalahanin. Malambing. Matalino at lahat ng pwedeng hanapin ng lalake sa isang babae e nasa kanya na. Pero may kulang ee, mayroon kasi akong di maramdaman. Dapat diba masaya? Masaya naman ako kapag kasama ko sya pero hindi yun ung sayang inaasahan ko. Yung spark? Parang plug lang na nagspark. Nawala agad, panandalian lang. Ni hindi man lang nagtagal, ni hindi mo nga matatandaan ung ganung klase ng spark ee. Para kasing wala lang talaga. Magic? Nag eexist ba ito? Meron ba talga nito? Kasi kung meron man, sorry wala akong naramdamang ganyan. Oo, inaamin ko ang sama ko nga siguro pero maiintindihan naman nila siguro na ginawa ko lahat para lang masabi ko sa sarili kong Masaya ako pero ang kasiyahan di natuturo, di nasasabi kasi kapag di mo to nararamdaman parang napaka useless ng isang bagay. Hindi ko alam kung mapapatawad niya ako, pero sana pagdating ng tamang oras magawa niya ulit akong ngitian bilng isang kaibigan. Yun lang naman ang pinanghihinayangan ko ngayun ee, yung pagkakaibigan namin. Nasaktan ko siya, alam ko di magiging madali ang lahat para sa kanya. Pero mas mabuti na ito, kesa magstay ako sa kanya kahit alam kong hindi na ako masaya. Sabi nga ni tatay nun minsan may mga bagay na gusto pa natin pero kailangan na nating bitawan dahil hindi na tayu masaya.” Isip-isip ni Alex habang nakahiga sa kanyang kwarto.

“Roller Coaster, ganun. Ganun ung relasyon namin ni Alex. Masaya sa una. Exciting. Nakakatuwa. Parang gusto mong ulit-ulitin. May ups and downs. May paikot pa nga minsan. Yung tipong mahihilo ka, mababadtrip, maiinis, mapapasigaw at maiiyak sa takot pero ayus lang kasi masaya. Pero iyon lang ung akala mo. Akala mo lang pala talaga masaya. Hindi mo mapapansin bigla ng bumabagal ang takbo. Nag-co-cool down. Hanggang sa biglaang hihinto. Tapos na ang excitement. Wala na ung saya. Andiyan na ung susuka ka at ipapangako sa sarili mong hindi ka na ulit sasakay sa ride na iyon. Pero sa totoo, kahit gusto ko pang ulitin ung mala roller coaster na pag iibigan namin, hindi na pwede kasi ayaw niya na. Kasi kabilang sya sa mga tao na nagsabing hindi na ulit sasakay sa ride na iyon. Siguro nga.. Siguro nga, ayaw niya ng ulitin ang ride na iyon. Siguro ayaw niya ng sumakay ulit sa ride na iyon ng ako ang kasama niya. Siguro sa susunod, sa susunod pwedeng siya o ako ang sasakay ulit sa ride na iyon pero hindi na kami ang magkasama. Pero sa ngayun, kung sasakay ulit ako dun, sana siya ung kasama ko. Kahawak ng kamay. At kasabay sumigaw habang ini-enjoy ang pagsakay doon.” Isip-isip ni Justine.

“Para ko noong nakasakay sa roller coaster. Pinipilit kong maging cool, masaya at okay lang all throughout the ride pero yung totoo di ako okay. Di ako nasisiyahan. Sa una, siguro oo, may tawanan pero kapag nandun ka na, hindi na pala ganun kasaya. Hindi din ganun ka exciting. Sakto lang. Ganun ung pakiramdam ko. Nakakahilo. Nakakatakot. Nakakaiyak. Nakakasawa. Ganyan ang pakiramdam ko sa roller coaster, gaya ng pakiramdam ko sa relasyon namin ni Justine. Ayaw ko noong bumitaw, kasi alam ko masasabihan akong duwag. Parang sa roller coaster di ka pede umatras kapag naaya ka kasi masasabihan ka ding duwag. Pero nung dahang dahang pahinto ang roller coaster naisipan ko ng bumaba at huwag na itong balikan pa. Kung babalikan ko man ito, hindi na si Justine ang kasama ko. Kung uulitin ko ang pagsakay sa roller coaster ibang kamay na ang hawak ko, at sa susunod na iyon sisiguraduhin kong hindi ko na sya bibitawan at magiging napakasaya ng pagsakay.” Si Alex habang nakatanaw sa malayu.

 

Disclaimer: This is not mine. I post this because it it happened to me a couple of months ago. :)
Credits to Ms. Roxanne Avero